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children, memoir, Switzerland, Winterthur

Angry bird


Sometimes, the stars align and I am able to go for a run. Today was one of those blessed days: husband available to umpire the children (check); no-one beset by illness (check); calendar empty of birthdays / weddings / christenings / bar mitzvahs (check); Mummy awake, willing and adequately fed (check).

So off I set, down to the riverside at Kollbrunn for an easy few kilometres to Kyburg, a quick glimpse of the castle on the hill, and back through the woods. Lovely.

I leave the car by the cemetery and set up my iPhone as I do my walking warm-up: Run Keeper on, select playlist and shuffle, wait for the GPS to engage… and Start Activity…

*nothing*
Hm.
Hm?
So where is the music? And the Run Keeper lady? Come on transatlantic fitness woman, speak to me…
*nothing*
OK, the ringer must be switched off. *fiddle* No, ringer is on.
OK, the volume must be turned down. *fiddle* No, volume is on full.
So, the headphone jack? *fiddle fiddle* Plugged in.
So what? Why won’t it play..?
Oh – Iggy Pop! I really like this one too. Argh! Stupid old iPhone. It’s done this before, something to do with the headphone socket getting disengaged or something, and you have to take the headphone jack in and out to get it going. Right – in, out, in, out, in, out.
*Nothing*
In, out, in, out, in, out, in, out!
*Nothing*
Bloody thing!
It plays through the speaker but not through the headphones. I know the headphones are working – I used them yesterday. Bloody hell!
Adele. Only decent song on the whole crappy album and I’m missing it. God! Bloody stupid old iPhone – it’ll be rolling in the deep part of this frickin’ river in a minute. Why haven’t I ordered the new 4S yet? I bet that one’s frickin’ headphone socket doesn’t disengage. Right, I’m going to phone them first thing Monday morning and order it. Maybe they’re open on Sunday? I might phone them right now. Tell them my iPhone is a piece of crappy batshit and I want a new one.
Piss!
First run I’ve managed to get in ages and I don’t have any music. I HATE running without music. It’s half the fun. And when I’ve got no music, I just think about how much my thighs hurt all the time. I’m not running without music, it’s just annoying. I’m going bloody home.
AH! EMF – tune! Why won’t it bloody PLAY! What is WRONG with it?! GOD!
Have the kids had it this morning? Little ratfinks… all the toys in the world and all they want is my phone to make endless cup cakes, no interest in playing with the kitchen we bought them at great expense, of course, but give them my iPhone and it’s cup cakes all flippin’ morning, never get tired of it. I’ll sell their bloody toys and get the new pissing 4S only that’ll probably go wrong too…

Why do I always have this shit with technology? I only want some bloody music, not the moon on a stick – pissyshittingbollockybastardbloodyarsekickingcrappycrappycrappyfrickingcatbollocks.

Just WORK you pieceofshitetotallyannoyingletmedownallthetimewasteoffrickingleccyoverhypedarsingApple-Crapplebollockypileofbollockedbollocks! GAH!

*deep breaths*
Now why can I hear a tiny tinny Marc Bolan? What is THAT about?!
*listens*
Ah.
Oh yes, that makes sense.
Right.
*looking over shoulder to make sure no-one’s watching*
I haven’t actually put the headphones in my ears.
*fits headphones, flees the scene*

About jofurniss

I'm a writer, living on the 31st floor in Singapore.

Discussion

8 thoughts on “Angry bird

  1. Brilliant post! Amazing swear vocabulary and I wont tell anyone that you forgot to put the headphones in… could have happened to anyone! ;-)

    Posted by morethanamummy | December 5, 2011, 10:15 pm
    • You know, I read somewhere that enthusiastic and inventive swearing is a sign of a wide vocabulary. But then I also read that lying is a sign of great intelligence… just goes to show you shouldn’t believe everything you read ;-)

      Posted by jofurniss | December 12, 2011, 8:11 pm
  2. Ha HAAAA! Oh-em-gee….that was awesome! I have so had those moments, though I will admit not because I couldn’t have a decent run. No, that wouldn’t ever be the issue! I have to say, coming from a Yank, there is nothing more entertaining than British pissing and moaning once the slang starts rolling! Actually, there are a few there I need to have translated! LOL! Hope your run came out well!

    Posted by wonderv | December 5, 2011, 8:34 pm
  3. Bluetooth head phones are the answer here…..no wires necessary but you still have to put them in or on your ears unless you get them implanted ;-)
    PS; running is bad for the knees, well mine any way. How about a blonde in the cartoon next time Jo!

    Posted by Fergus Miller | December 4, 2011, 8:44 pm

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